I Am Nature

“Understory” 18 × 24 inches, oil on panel

“I don’t paint nature, I am nature.” Jackson Pollock

I am going through my journal and typing up notes in hopes that this will bring fresh illumination.

March 24, 2025

First day back in the studio and I’ve spent the last hour and a half pacing, clearing clutter, trying to get my bearings. What is feeling alive and resonant to me is going outside [painting the figure in the landscape.] Having an encounter / a grappling with grief and then emerging transformed. The mood is nocturnal. Autumnal. Wet. Damp leaves. Earth tones. Mushrooms. Moths. Fungus. I suppose this is part of the permission to be in our bodies—to accept aging and loss as part of the package. To be nature in the cycle of life and decay. I feel like my fern self portrait wants to lead the way… While on retreat, I got a clearer vision of my moth/egg painting. To intensify it and make it more mysterious. The work wants to get wild. It wants me to truly re-wild and go outside rather than bringing nature inside like potted plants. The retreat was just what I needed. The quiet went deep. I feel so much more present somehow, calm, quiet and confident. There’s more space inside. Sister Anna Camille told me that my brain is being rewired.

I’m reading The Body Keeps the Score and learning about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic system gets us moving with strong emotions like anger, disgust, attraction. The parasympathetic system clams and relaxes us. It helps us feel safe and let down our guard. Inhale (energize) Exhale (relax). The problem is getting stuck in the sympathetic nervous system and never unwinding! Maybe that is part of the healing power of painting for me. It has allowed me to rediscover—reconnect with—my sense of peace, calm and safety. When I’m deep in a painting, the world fades. I feel held by Love and Light. What a gift this is to me. It’s not about cranking out—pooping out—work for a show. It’s about an unguarded awareness. Ease. Invitation. Curiosity. Discovery. All medicine…

“Expectancy” 12 × 12 inches, oil on canvas